She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
