he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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