woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
