Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize