i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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