my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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