she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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