you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All I want is dick and wine.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
