When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
