that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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