so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
