If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
