does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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