I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
