im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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