i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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