So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize