Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize