dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
