oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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