I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize