my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
