My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
