I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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