its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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