I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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