you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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