I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
