how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
