You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
