i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
