I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
