I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
