When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
