I need help removing her.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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