I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
