i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
