I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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