I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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