I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
