my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
