just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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