Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You ruined the universe
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