I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
