my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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