gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
