And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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