Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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