Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
