I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
