but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
