I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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