Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
