I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
