dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
