I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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