i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
