I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
