How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
