my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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