never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
