One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
