I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
