i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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