I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize