i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
