I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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