Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
