The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just found a bag of teeth...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
