im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
