After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
