who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
