I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
