just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
